How I Wish I Could Have Replied When My Satanist-High-School-Boyfriend Emailed And Asked Me Where I Am These Days

Dear Satanist-High-School-Boyfriend,*

What a pleasant surprise to hear from you! And how thoughtful of you to inquire of my whereabouts! I am definitely NOT still living with my parents, sleeping in the same bedroom I was sleeping in when we dated ten years ago, and I definitely WILL NOT overcompensate for the flourish of insecurity such a scenario would inspire by writing a blogpost about it.

Furthermore, I am definitely NOT still slogging through undergrad coursework – I already have my baccalaureate in English literature, not just the Associate’s degree I have hanging on my wall, which my dad had framed because he was so excited that I actually accomplished SOMETHING in my adult life. In fact, I have a doctorate. That’s right. I am Dr. Sister Kathryn Stephanie English-Major, PhD. My adoring fans…I mean students…I mean patients(?) call me Dr. KEM for short.

I spent my early 20’s as a novice, then a nun, at the convent at Lilith Cathedral in South Narnia (no, not the fictional place, the place I made up. There’s a difference). I oversaw a massive and unpopular project to restore mandatory habit-wearing amongst the nuns. While receiving the imposition of ashes one Ash Wednesday, my glow-in-the-dark nail polish caught the attention of a cardinal, who nominated me to join the Pope on his semi-annual climb to the summit of Mount Everest. They insisted. I graciously accepted.

When the Pope and I got to the summit, we celebrated with Peach Schnapps while listening to the selection of Coldplay songs he had on his phone. Normally, I would have preferred something of the punk persuasion, but I was tipsy enough from both the booze and the elevation that it didn’t matter much to me. It was after our descent that I was awarded an honorary doctorate from Saint Thecla’s University. Even though it was honorary, I insisted on writing a dissertation anyway, because it was The Right Thing To Do, I felt. My dissertation used Buffy the Vampire Slayer to explain the πth century phenomenon of donuts and Docetism, for which I was awarded the Nobel Win-Prize. To celebrate, I got a tattoo of Anne Boleyn (because, who else?). Her body is on my forearm, and her head is on my ribs. I wanted it on my stomach, but the tattoo artist talked me out of it lest I acquire a beer belly or become pregnant (whichever comes first).

As for my current place of residence, to answer your initial question, I live in a tent in the backyard of a Kindle-millionaire in Mount Shasta. I spend my days telecommuting to Saint Thecla’s (I teach in the departments of Psuedographia and Buffy Studies), and reading the numerous ARCs publishers send my way. I just finished Michelle Tea’s biography of Yours Truly, but declined to contribute a quote for the jacket, because, well, that felt pretentious and a little silly. Don’t you think?

I’ve also been tutoring my Shasta-friend’s toddler in Sanskrit, because of course I’m fluent in Sanskrit. It’s really the least I can do, seeing as she and her husband are allowing me to stay here while my mansion in the Rockies is being completed. It’s very complicated, you see, as it requires a cave to be dug out of solid granite with matching spiral staircases.

Also, in case you didn’t notice, I changed my middle name to Stephanie.


-Dr. KEM

* Was the boyfriend Satanist, or was the high school? (I’m not telling.)


  1. Replies
    1. Oh... shit... I thought those "<3"s would turn into actual hearts...


  2. Can you please actually send this as an email? :)

    1. I linked it in my reply - which discards some of the illusion of it being a personal message, but... Cheetos. And coffee guns.