Stephanie, my pyro-klepto evil twin sister has boundary issues. This has never been a mystery to me. When we were kids, she was always stealing my Buffy action figures. On top of that, she hasn’t really been the same since her girlfriend left her right after she became a novice at the convent at Lilith Cathedral. What little I overheard from their closing fight went something like this:
“Beb, we can work something out…”
“YOU’RE GOING TO TAKE A VOW OF CHASTITY DUMB ASS.”
And when I say “poor girl” I do not mean Stephanie.
Because this time Stephanie went too far…
But before I go into that, allow me tell you something else about Stephanie. We may share the same face and first name, but we are not the same person. Perhaps one of the strongest points I can use to illustrate this is in how Stephanie became a distance professor. As a supporter and defender of the Constitution of the United States and the Constitution of the State of California, I wouldn’t try to burn down a library. I just wouldn’t. It feels a little too Fahrenheit 451-ish for someone who’s supposed to be a champion for the First Amendment.
That’s right: Stephanie tried to burn down the library at Saint Thecla’s University. Could we say that it’s ironic that a Buffy Studies professor would try to set ablaze to an academic institution, what with the (SPOILER ALERT) razing of the school gym at the end of the Buffy movie and (ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT) the destruction of the high school at the close of season three? No. If we were to use the term “ironic” accurately, we really couldn’t. It would be more accurate to declare the irony that lies in the faculty’s passive-aggressive decision to tell her she could stay on staff so long as she stayed Very Far Away from the campus. They may have put this forth to get rid of her, but they also put it forth without taking into account the phenomenon of online learning. Thus, my sister still teaches for them via the ultra-modern loopholes the Internet provides. All because no one had the balls to outright tell her, “You’re fired, Stephanie.”
Now she’s in Mount Shasta.
Hijacking my blog.
Hence, some of the things I’ve been writing recently have not been written by me. Getting crossfaded and promiscuous as a means of lassoing people into the faith? That’s all her. I am the paradigm of nice, mainstream-Protestant values, thank you very much. Alienating any possible Unwashed Hippies from the general blog audience? Well, that’s not the me either. Because I have tact. The logic that numerous consecutive Hot Toddys are the only thing that’s better than one Hot Toddy? Do I LOOK like an alcoholic to you? (Please don’t answer that.)
Like I said, the things she writes are not things I write. If one day you type this URL into your web-browser and the name of the blog has been changed to “LOUD SEX AT THE NUNNERY”, you know that my evil twin is at it again. If you read something here along the lines of,
“Seeing how many times I can make a military recruiter repeat themselves is definitely on the list of my favorite pastimes.”
“I don’t always back up into park vehicles, but when I do, I drive away quickly.”
that’s not me. That’s Stephanie. Unless it’s nothing you find offensive and/or prompts you to sit me down at your kitchen table for an intervention because you’re worried about the state of my soul*, then it is I to whom all credit is due. Especially if you find it wildly clever to boot – those parts are all me.
Now that I have unwittingly retrieved the Blogging Stick, more substantial and less unabashedly self-referential writing will balance out the errors of my sister. Pinkie Swear.
Also, Stephanie, if you’re reading this: I found the blueprints you and Chloe drew up – the ones for the metal super-soaker with which to spray innocent passersby with scalding hot liquids, yes? You’re not getting them back until you give me back my Buffy the Vampire Slayer inflatable chair. Just sayin.
* Because I’m sure you have the time to do this and no life of your own to worry about instead…?